Same
by fey-magick
Summary: Shinji. Kaworu. Boy. Angel. Killer. Killer. The story of a boy struggling with blood on his hands, doubt in his heart, and the guiltiest conscience of them all.


Shinji.

_Kaworu._

Boy.

_Angel._

Killer.

_Killer._

**Same**

By Fey-Magick

"I had to kill him! Kaworu-kun was an Angel! He was an Angel! Kaworu-kun was an Angel!" Your words sound a shade too desperate to your ears, the pathetic whine of a child seeping out from behind the stoic tone that usually coats your voice. You want to bury your face in your hands, but you don't dare, because you can see his death imprinted on your eyelids clear as day: the way his pupils shrank in a moment of fear—_he _feared_ you, Ikari Shinji—_despite his calm nature, the way his placid smile never left his face, the way his body jerked and then went still. Forever.

Words you hadn't meant to use in defense begin spilling out from your lips, and a part of you listens with a strange sort of detachment. "Kaworu-kun loved me! Kaworu-kun said he loved me, despite only knowing me for a short time! Kaworu-kun cared about me as a person—not as another EVA pilot straight out of the factory, not as another_ freak _child with a sad-ass past!" You're biting off the syllables as your tangled emotions move through you, and you shut your eyes to hold back tears, seeing him die yet again as you scream, "_Kaworu-kun—loved—ME_!"

Your lungs are heaving with the sudden outburst, and your right hand fists in your shirt, gathering the thin fabric over your heart as you gasp for air. You are aware of your loud, ragged breaths echoing around you, of your pulse beating in your ears and in your throat. Your fingertips are strangely numb, adrenaline racing through your body. It's a curious, heady mixture of fear and courage—a cocktail of control and confusion.

You remember feeling something like this once before, half-submerged in hot water—a little too hot to be comfortable. You remember feeling something like this once before when a warm, strong hand covered your own, and squeezed once in an ambiguous gesture. You remember feeling something like this once before, when you and love were mentioned in the same sentence. But you know you only felt something similar to what you experience now.

You know that rumors fly around the base even at this very moment. Even at this very moment, when the line between the world you call 'real' and the world you are in now is blurred, you know that everyone is repeating what they believe to be the truth: "Ikari Shinji-kun killed the last Angel!" Yet you know the real truth is that Ikari Shinji killed Nagisa Kaworu, and now no one will ever love him.

As though triggered by that thought, you are suddenly on a makeshift stage. A black backdrop slams down behind you with a thundering crash. You think you might have heard a sinister laugh hidden in that sound, but you decide to dismiss it as proof of insanity. It doesn't seem to matter either way, because now the backdrop is _talking_, although its words scroll across it, to be seen but not heard. Although your back is to it, you can still somehow see the words in your mind. Echoing…

:// I MUSN'T RUN AWAY

:// I MUSN'T RUN AWAY

:// I MUSN'T RUN AWAY

:// I MUSN'T RUN AWAY

Your stomach is turning, and you feel bile searing your throat. You shut your eyes, but still, the strange mocking words haunt you, and you begin to wish you saw Kaworu-kun's death printed on your brain instead of this horror.

:// IKARI SHINJI KILLED NAGISA KAWORU

Your heart plummets and your body instantly becomes cold. No. No, this can't be…

:// IKARI SHINJI KILLED NAGISA KAWORU

:// IKARI SHINJI KILLED NAGISA KAWORU

:// IKARI SHINJI KILLED NAGISA KAWORU

You don't want to cry, because if you cry everyone will hate you more, but the truth is unrelenting and you are not sure you can live with this.

:// IKARI SHINJI KILLED NAGISA KAWORU

You drop your head in your hands, eyes wide and unseeing. God, why won't it stop?! You heard once that if a person loses the will to live, their body will shut down, and eventually, he or she dies. Well, you've lost the will to live with this, so to hell with it, you think savagely—

And then, you blink. You're in a different place, and you're no longer alone:

"Shinji-kun?"

Your heart literally skips a beat, and you scramble to right yourself, sloshing water about everywhere as you uncharacteristically shriek, "Kaworu-kun?!"

He doesn't look surprised to see you at all, and simply smiles. You, however, don't feel nearly so calm. Frantically, you look down, pinching yourself and wincing at the pain, watching the angry red marks begin to fade. "How can this be real?" you murmur, turning your hands over and studying them. Water drips steadily from your fingers, pooling in your palms and spilling over into the bath.

The bath where Kaworu-kun told you that he…You look over at him, suddenly shy. The heat rushes up into your face, but you make yourself reach out and place a hand on his shoulder. The skin there is warm and faintly flushed from the heat of the water, but more importantly, it means Kaworu-kun is _alive_.

You're not exactly one for public displays of affection, or any displays of affection for that matter, but the emotions well up inside you, and before you're entirely sure of what's going on, you find yourself letting out a wordless exclamation of joy, throwing yourself at him and hugging him tightly in exhilaration. "Kaworu-kun!" you laugh in relief, feeling him laugh, too, but not unkindly, as he returns your fervent embrace.

Your cheeks are starting to hurt from smiling when a cold thought touches you. _But Kaworu-kun is dead_, it says. You stiffen, and Kaworu-kun's hands drop to your sides, his body suddenly limp against yours. "Kaworu-kun?" you ask softly, voice shaking. Slowly, slowly you pull away, and his head lolls on your shoulder before the weight of his unmoving body causes him to drift against the wall. Your teeth are chattering with the tremors of fear, but you know you have to see for yourself. So you reach out, thinking _please no_, but as you tip his chin upwards, his unseeing eyes bore into yours, in a way only the eyes of the dead can.

Something is bubbling in the pit of your lungs, and your stomach muscles tighten erratically. Your throat is tight and your fists are clenched, and a strange sound is echoing in and around the bath. _What is that?_ It sounds half-crazed and painful. The sound increases rapidly before turning into a sort of wail and gradually dying down. _Oh,_ you realize as you catch your breath. It was just you, screaming…

And then, you blink. You're in a different place, and you're not alone:

"Shinji-kun."

You scramble away, blinking in confusion as you take in the sight before you. His eyes are warm as he tilts his head, pale hair brushing his shoulder as he dons his only expression—a smile. He reaches out a hand and makes to touch your face, but you jerk back and blurt, "Kaworu-kun, you're dead!" Your eyes widen as you take in your own words. You never really were one for thinking before speaking.

And then…Kaworu-kun…_changes_. It's subtle—his eyes go from wide open and clear to liquid and lidded; his lips curve up into something resembling a smirk; his posture sinks into a feline's careless grace. You don't know why, but an alarm starts to go off in the back of your head. Yet you are more wary of how you both came to be here, and are watching closely for signs of mortality. So far, you've decided that if he attempts to hug you, you are going to fend him off with all means possible.

"Dead, Shinji-kun?" Kaworu-kun drawls, amusement plain in his voice. "I'm afraid you're wrong on that one. I seem to be very much alive." He moves smoothly towards you, and you back up with slightly less grace, forced to utilize a backwards crab walk in order to get away as Kaworu-kun continues to stalk you. The alarm in the back of your head is ringing as you begin to realize that Kaworu-kun's behavior is very unusual, and actually somewhat…frightening.

Colors explode in your vision when you bang your head into the opposite wall of the bath. All stalking forgotten, you hunch in on yourself and gingerly bring your hand up to the back of your skull, wincing as your head responds with a resounding throb of pain. "Let me see that, Shinji-kun," says a voice directly in your ear. Kaworu-kun is somehow right beside you, dangerously close. You attempt to move away, but your head doesn't seem to want to work with your body, and another round of fireworks goes off behind your eyes. You let out a hiss of pain, reflexively bringing your hand up to your forehead.

Before your vision begins to clear, Kaworu-kun seats himself barely an inch away from you; you know from the heat radiating off of him and the water sloshing as he moves. His hand gently knocks away your own, and he cups your cheek, turning your head towards him. You can barely make him out through the spots dancing in front of you. There is an undertone of laughter in his voice as he murmurs, "You should be more careful, Shinji-kun. But stay still now. Don't worry, I won't hurt you." _Much_, you complete automatically before realizing it. "After all," he continues in a silky-smooth voice, "I know you best. Don't I?" He shifts his body closer to yours, his shoulders-chest-thighs brushing up against you as he whispers in your ear.

Cut to the alarm shrieking in your mind. Trapped between Kaworu-kun's body and the wall at your back, you start to panic, taking shallow breaths as you unsuccessfully attempt to put distance between you and Kaworu-kun. He laughs under his breath, his lashes fluttering against your skin as he just barely kisses your cheek. He can't be serious! This can't be what Kaworu-kun wants! Despite your nervousness, you manage to ask, "Kaworu-kun, what are you doing? Why?" Maybe you can talk him out of it.

Kaworu-kun lazily lowers his hand and drags it slowly across your chest, dripping water down your skin. "Why, indeed?" he says, lips brushing your cheek as his hand continues to move leisurely downwards. You want more than anything to run away, but you are frozen by sheer terror. A whimper of fear tears its way out of your throat, causing Kaworu-kun's hand to stop, resting at your navel. Suddenly, it all becomes too much, and you begin crying helplessly, hiccupping as you try not to sob like a child. In another time, in another place you would be ashamed, but right now you're so scared and confused you don't know what else to do.

He says your name almost mournfully, sounding truly sorry as he lifts his hand away from you. In a fleeting moment of hope, you turn your head, but instead of an apology, you get Kaworu-kun tightening a hand in your hair, his lips unrelenting on your own.

Full-out panic wracks your body, and you flail, trying your best to jerk away. This isn't the real Kaworu-kun! This isn't the real Kaworu-kun! You keep screaming those same words over and over, trying to find some modicum of comfort in them. Kaworu-kun has leverage over you, and he swings his legs over, effectively pinning you with the weight of his body. You can feel him grin against your mouth as he straddles you, and—you stiffen as a part of his body you had never cared to think about makes itself obvious against your stomach. You cry out in earnest and push him away, or at least you try to; he's still stronger than you, and he pulls you roughly closer…Oh, God, _oh,_ _God_, Kaworu's tongue is in your mouth, his hands are between your legs, you're going to be betrayed again in more ways than one and no one can save you, no one can save you—

And then, you blink. You're in a different place, and you're not alone.

"Shinji-kun!"

You jump, still freaked out from your previous…experience. After a moment, you cautiously survey your surroundings. Yup, it's the same bath with the same water, with a presumably different Kaworu-kun. You inspect him carefully, but he seems normal enough, save the strange look in his eyes. It's an emotion you've never seen on him before, but it tugs at your mind because you know you've seen it many times before. _What is it?_

Kaworu-kun interrupts your thoughts by asking brusquely, "Don't you think you've spent enough time in here, Shinji-_kun_?" He emphasizes the title, turning it into a mockery of courtesy. You find yourself taken aback by the rudeness of his comment, startled into silence. His eyes narrow with impatience as he continues, "Did you hear me? I said you can go now." It clicks. The emotion in Kaworu-kun's eyes is indeed one you've seen before—but only on others. _Anger._

Figuring it couldn't hurt, you ask in the calmest voice you can manage, "Why are you angry with me, Kaworu-kun?" He looks at you incredulously, and the contempt in his gaze twists your heart in hurt. This is almost the worst Kaworu-kun you've met so far. You wonder if these Kaworu-kuns were actually all various parts of the real Kaworu-kun's personality—his dreams, his desires, his darkness.

Like the darkness, Kaworu-kun's voice is rendering you vulnerable and confused. "What a dumb question! It's so stupid I suppose I should have expected it from you." He scoffs, crossing his arms and favoring you with a sideways glare. "Why am I angry with you, Shinji-_kun_? Well, let's see."

He holds up his left hand, ticking off the reasons, "First, you're too indecisive. When you do make decisions, they're usually the most risky, and they hurt others around you. Second, you're too emotional. You're bringing down everyone with your depressed nature. _Oh, my father hates me. Oh, I have no friends. _Get over yourself! Third—"

"Shut. Up."

He blinks, raising a brow at you. Your fists are clenched, and your cheeks are flushed with anger. "Shut up, Kaworu." You leave the title off of his name, knowing that this is not a part of Kaworu that you intend to befriend. "I am sick and tired of having to listen to this," you growl, stalking towards him. He uncrosses his arms and opens his mouth to respond, but you slam a hand into his chest, causing him to fall backwards. He lands heavily on his bottom, his teeth bared, eyes glowing in rage.

Abandoning words, you fling yourself at Kaworu, fists flying as you tackle him. The water splashes everywhere, muffling the sounds of his insults. You know Kaworu has always been stronger than you, and it's still true in this case. He snarls your name and places both hands on your shoulders, driving you into the water. You try to fight him off as the water rushes in your ears, but to no avail. His face is completely devoid of expression as he drowns you.

The water cascades over your head, and you thrash, arms flying, legs kicking as you struggle to live. When the water enters your lungs, you don't even feel it, because you're already…

And then, you blink. You're in a different place. You're surrounded.

Gasping, you sit up, yanking on the IV secured in your hand. You try to ask what's going on, but your throat is stuck and dry. Someone presses a cup into your hands, and you drink thirstily. The cup is refilled three more times before you can speak comfortably. But, you think, it seems strange to be so thirsty after being drowned. _Which reminds me, who else is here? Not Kaworu-kun?_ You search for a familiar face among the sea of white coats gathered in your room—a team of doctors?—until you find Misato-san sitting in a chair nearby. "Do you recognize me?" she asks when your eyes land on her. Her gaze is intense and focused, and only slightly concerned underneath the formality she normally assumes under business matters.

You can only stare at her. What does she mean, do you recognize her? You're not blind. "Of course, Misato-san." She lets out a sigh of relief, which prompts you to ask, "Why wouldn't I? What's going on? Why am I here? I don't feel ill or wounded! Please, tell me…"

There is a general movement of shuffling feet and clearing throats in the room. You look from face to face to face, knowing by the way each one looks first at you and then takes a sudden interest in their shoelaces that there is something no one wants to tell you. "Tell me what happened." It's an order, soft but direct.

It's Misato-san who says slowly, "After you killed the last Angel, you fainted, and you quickly fell into a coma-like state. Sensors showed that there was a—" She takes a breath and plunges on, regaining her familiar business-only tone. "Sensors showed there was another presence inside your body. We attempted an emergency ejection, but EVA 01's stats skyrocketed. It completely refused to let you go, and instead held you in a coma until it could no longer handle the other presence. After you were successfully ejected, the presence left your body. At the same moment, the last Angel's body disappeared. No traces of it have been found." She stops at the expression on your face, her voice turning concerned as she rests a hand on your shoulder. "Don't worry; we'll take care of things. Sleep, Shinji-kun," she says reassuringly. "I'll come by to see you later." You manage to nod once and smile weakly in acquiescence. She smiles, and stands along with the doctors at the foot of your bed. They fiddle with the various cables and monitors around you before finally leaving. Once the sounds of their shoes echoing on the tiles fade away, your smile drops instantly.

You bring your knees to your chest, folding your arms on top of them and staring morosely at the wall. Letting your gaze wander, you realize you have no way of knowing it was Kaworu-kun who…said all those things. Still, there has to be some sort of explanation for what you saw.

Maybe Kaworu-kun was trying to give you a last gift to reassure you that he did trust you, and that something really did lie between you before his death. But, no, that can't be right, because then that would mean Kaworu-kun left you without letting you see his heart. It would mean that in all that time, in all that empty space floating in a sea of oxygenated orange (the sun was setting, casting an orange light on Kaworu-kun's face when you first met him, you'll never forget that, never never) you only spent time with inadequate replications, a few lights bouncing off his faceted personality. Now Kaworu-kun is really, truly gone.

Kaworu-kun is gone.

God _damn_ it! Your eyes burn and your vision blurs as you drive your fist into the bed. In the end, Kaworu-kun betrayed you just like your father did! Every single time! Every single Kaworu-kun left you with _nothing_! You should've known it would come to this, Ikari Shinji! How could you allow yourself hope at a time like this, for someone who…Angrily, you rub your eyes with your palms, scrubbing away the tears that refuse to stop.

You stare at the sheets, blinking away the wetness, but no matter how hard you blink, you're in the same place, and you're still alone.

**Fin.**


End file.
